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Sometimes even the crew at BUNA bunker is rendered speechless…

missjayAs the 12th season as America’s Next Top Model draws to a close, BUNA’s resident stylista has to hand it to Miss J, as J. Alexander is know to ANTM fans and aspiring skinny bitches alike. First, he gets props for teaching them children to work it down the runway. Second, he gets points for being able to sit next to crazy Tyra and phase her out while doing his own thing. Third, he enacts a form of ironic coonery unknown on broadcast television today.

113777770_7a969623c9As one of the long-lasting judges (bye, bye black girl-hating Paulina!) he comes up with a new thoroughly inappropriate, attention-seeking gimmick to see off each contestant. One season he had an ever-expanding afro that grew each time a contestant was kicked off. This last season, Miss J sported a bowtie that grew and grew to such foolish proportions he had to “smile with his eyes” to outshine the ribbonery.

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Miss J’s sense of style, but also inflecting his cooneration with a sense of history wins him props from BUNA and permission to coon: granted! America's Next Top Model

magic-large1Why is Magic Johnson in cahoots with American corporations to make black folks’ money disappear? Signing on with both Jackson Hewitt and Rent-a-Center, Johnson legitmates these predatory lenders. And that is really what they are: Jackson Hewitt operates one of those skimmy-skammy Refund Anticipation Loan programs that advances people money based on what they estimate clients will get as a tax refund. Fourteen states have passed laws in an attempt to regulate these 77%+ loans that target low-income folks looking for fast cash.

And Johnson’s shill for Rent-a-Center is no better. Trading on his achievements to allege that folks can get what they want instantly, or as the RAC people put it, “the best things in life” is disingenuous. Excuse us, but if you’re paying $18,000 through the end of a RAC contract for $9,000 worth of goods, you are not getting the best in life. You are getting played and extorted.

BUNA’s Officer of Devil’s Advocacy keeps chirping up, “What about the people renting and using those refund loans? Are they innocent? Can’t they read terms and conditions? Blah blah blah, regressive politics blah…” True, no one needs a fuckin’ matching living room set at 77% interest. But, then, no one needs to be convinced by trusted spokespeople that the best way to prove one’s hardworking citizenship is by signing on with these moneylenders in the marketplace. WWJD, indeed.

Too, it’s hard to hate on people like sixteen-year-old students, at the start of their financial life and not fully fiscally literate, who end up facing a $5000 bill for a $340 laptop. BUNA thinks financial literacy should be a priority, even for people who don’t have a lot of money.

Thanks to service workers union SEIU Local 32BJ for the info and being on the case.

From the “please don’t let her be black” files of newstories, Latreasa Goodman just had to have some McNuggets. When denied both the orbs of golden grossness and a refund, she called 911…three times. Consciously, called emergency services about some chicken by-product. Luckily, like a slave of capitalism, Laterasa’s committed to returning to Mickey D’s, but just being more careful next time she places her order.  BUNA is annoyed.

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Alan Keyes.

*sigh*

Every time Keyes runs for office and loses, BUNA’s Minister of Political Analysis asks the same question, “What is wrong with this negro?”

Fine, he wants to contribute to the great American project called democracy. Alas, he’s his cup of internalized racism overfloweth and he’s so hateful that it’s hard to feel sorry for him.

So we don’t. Especially when he talks nonsense such as this: “Obama is a radical communist, and I think it is becoming clear…That is what I told people in Illinois and now everybody realizes it’s true.”

No, what we realize, you political minstrel, is that you just need to take your paranoid, jealous ass somewhere and sit down.

We won’t even begin to comment on his fraught relationship with his daughter, her coming out, and their crazy conservative politics.

Okay, even more accurately, how much would you pay Apple to be God of Coon Island? BUNA’s Director of Recreation and Funification almost bought this game for the communal iPod Touch: Pcoket God. In Pocket God you are, well, the big heavenly jefe. You can wreak havoc with the lives of your wee island people. Alas, Funification Director had a look at the graphics and, well, compare…

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Pocket God’s island people do stuff like eat coconuts and engage in otherwise racist Gilligan’s Island native-type behavior. Just for comparison’s sake, note Pocket God natives are not that far removed from old time coon performer representations.

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Ooops, dang. We gotta go. A BUNA member known for political backsliding is trying to go rogue and buy this game anyway in direct violation of BUNA directive against contributing to enterprises that encouraging cooning. Back away from the iPod, Clarence!

Any black choir that backs up a white singer must be paid handsomely to coon. Really, what’s that pay per person, per soul-sucking minute standing under those hot-ass studio lights in purple or winter white choir robes?

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faith hill with her kumbayaa choir

Why are you adding gratuitous soul to someone who would lose in a contest with your weakest member? Does your choir director hate you that much to agree to pimp y’all out like that? Or were you really dumb enough to think singing backup on American Idol/X Factor/the Grammys would be “good exposure”?

e street band needs a choir???

e street band needs a choir???

Know what else is good exposure? Singing in the subway. At least you get top billing and some change for pork rinds on the train platform.

P.S. I’m also gonna include black singers with Messiah-complex’s who add-choir-and-stir. I know Kanye’s award-winning song is called “Jesus Walks,” but having a choir hoist you into the air while wearing Freddie Mercury wings? For reals?

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One day I hope Kanye and Bono have a bitch-slap fight: “I’M the second coming!” “No, I’M the second coming.” You both degrade your talent. Shut up.

30518562Black actors have it rough in ol’ Blighty. The BBC doesn’t do ’em right. The soap, Eastenders, has pretty much consigned one of the nation’s finest Afro-Caribbean actors (Rudolph Walker as Patrick Truman) to owning the cornershop, left by his wife, playing PeePaw to kids that ain’t his, and hit on by one too many pension-age white women. We think there was a recent plotline nod to the historic Notting Hill Riots, but BUNA’s Manager of the Remote Control lost patience with this shows wack attitude (wackitude?) toward blackness and refused to let us watch anymore. We’re like that: hive mind.

And black folk don’t fare much better on channels with advertising either. Mostly featured are black men with ridiculous perms, singing (again with the choirs!), usually wearing shades of black and blue. Why are they always wearing this combination of colors? Is that the color of their battered black man souls from wrestling with their consciences? Howard Brown (pictured above riding a swan, for some inexplicable, pass-the-bong reason), a former Halifax Bank employee turned singing spokesman, was routinely voted the most annoying person on telly. BUNA would suggest that even white folks don’t like to see a black man degraded, as Howard was in the YouTube clip (below) or in this series of truly coon-y pics collated by the fascist, but accurate in this instance Daily Mail.

The one ad that BUNA was on the fence about has subsequently been pulled. Cadbury was trying to foment a “gum revolution” using a dub poet, running around shouting at people through a megaphone, “Mastication for de Nation!!!”

BUNA’s immature, so we really only heard this brother (allegedly a dub poet) advocating masturbation for de nation, which is fine by us. A wank is better than gum anytime. Nonetheless, some obscure Pan-African organization (Ligali—since when?) along with other black folks complained to the Advertising Standards Authority and got a ruling that the ad should be pulled. BUNA doesn’t really give a toss about Cadbury and thinks they should steer clear of gum and stick with choccie. They could’ve saved everyone a lot of aggro if they’d had the brother write an actual dub poem about their gum, thereby, spreading come cultural literacy and shilling their ridiculous product.

Now I hear some of you saying, “give the thespian brothers & sisters a break. There aren’t a lot of roles and black people gotta eat, too.” True, not a lot of roles…okay, no roles. But, really, if I feed y’all will you stop taking these coon-a-rific roles?

I hate to cook and live off hummus, No-No crackers, and white wine, but my diet is rich in vitamins D-I-G-N-I-T-and Y!

Gather ’round, chil’ren. BUNA’s got a lesson for you. Check out this interview from BlackBook with amazing artist Kara Walker. She is a prime example of what happens when you don’t coon, when you follow your heart, and use your talents for good rather than evil. We can’t claim that she’s not taking money from The Man ’cause she had a McArthur (“Genius”) grant, but we ain’t hatin’ because her artwork is a stick in the hornet’s nest of racist and sexist stereotypes. 1206karawalkerreddot

Oh, yes, my friends, Kara Walker is a shit-stirrer and we LIKE it! If BUNA had some dosh or some cowery shells or some shit, we’d try and trade them in for a Kara Walker silhouette to splash across the lobby at BUNA HQ.

Aaron McGruder’s always good for callin’ people out on their race disgracin’ behavior. For example, long before Tyler Perry got off the chitlin circuit with them dumbass plays and started making bank off black folks self-hating enough to pay to see his mess, Boondocks said:

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Why it’s better to see a pirated version of a Tyler Perry film with people gettin’ up to go to the bathroom than actually put money in his coonful pocket, that’s a whole ‘nother entry…